For some people, writing essays is tantamount to pulling teeth or willingly putting your hand in the garbage disposal while a toddler fiddles with kitchen switches. This guide is for those of you who struggle with writing essays or have not yet mastered the art of bullshit.
Paragraph One (Intro):
1. Give background on your topic
2. Summarize your topic
3. Throw in some shitty metaphors about it
4. Your thesis statement is last
Note: Decide your thesis first, then build steps 1-3 around it.
Paragraphs Two Through Whatever (Body Paragraphs):
1. Shitty topic sentence that also incorporates your thesis
2. Some background to a quote you about to drop
3. Drop that shitty quote
4. Explain that shitty quote as it relates to your thesis, but don’t summarize
5. Some more background to another quote you about to drop that emphasizes the quote you just dropped
6. Drop that other shitty quote
7. Explain that other shitty quote as it relates to your thesis, but don’t summarize
Note: Pick your quotes before you write a single word. Design your paragraph around the quotes.
Paragraph Shitstorm (Conclusion):
1. Take the topic sentences of your body paragraphs and copy-n-paste them here
2. Rephrase your shitty topic sentences into different shitty sentences saying the same goddamn thing, but differently
3. After each of your shitty, rephrased topic sentences, write a sentence that relates back to your thesis concerning that topic
4. Use shitty, rephrased topic sentences to remind people of your shitty thesis and write a sentence or two of that at the end
Note: If you can’t imagine yourself dropping the mic at the end of your conclusion, it’s not strong enough.
*This guide is meant to get you comfortable with the basic format of essays, and once you’ve mastered this bullshit, you can play around with the format.